Tim hates you

So Tuesday night at about 10pm I was moving stuff out of one of our apartments in Soho for a new tenant to move in to, I had just finished and about to leave, walking out of the front door and making sure it’s shut.

A kid, no older than 17 maybe 18 tops walks up to me and asks, “Excuse me does the prostitute live here?”

I turn around from shutting the door and say “Are you shitting me kid?”

He replies, “No, really is the prostitute here? I’ve got money.”

The first thought that flashed through my head was, “I should say to this him ‘Come out back, show me you got the money to prove you ain’t a time waster’ then I can just beat the crap out of him and take the cash.”

Second thought… “I’m too effin’ tired to give him a life lesson.”

I raise my fist up and say “Kid you better piss off right now before I beat the shit out of you.”

He runs away.

What annoyed me most was not being asked if I knew where the prostitutes are (I do, don’t ask how I know and to be honest I wish I never knew!), but that this idiot of a kid had all the self preservation instincts of a fucking suicide bomber. Geesh.

Why didn’t he just say “Hey Mr. Stranger can you come and kick the shit out of me and take all my money please?”

In addition to Voting, and Public displays of Protest (peaceful), Jury Duty is truly one of the most important civic duties we have in society. We get to shape the very course of justice and decide the fate of a mans life.

However I’ve paid almost no attention to my case at all because one of the lawyers is this fucking gorgeous woman. She looks almost asian but I’m not sure what kind she might be mixed Indian and something she’s just so damn hot.

Fuck… I don’t even have a clue what the case is about to be honest and I have to go in on monday to deliberate after the judge sums up… Bugger… I’m only disappointed that the case will end and I won’t be able to stare at her lovingly and lustfully mentally undressing her.

So picture the scene.

I’m meeting my friend up for lunch today. We’re in the west end of London (Entertainment district lots of bars, clubs, cinemas and theatres etc.) and I’ve just met up with my buddy and we’re heading along to the japanese sushi bar. (We’re going to be walking past Old Compton Street and if you know Old Compton Street this will only add to the hilarity.)

We walk past a pub. A big sign is out at the front. It says, “CLOSED TO THE PUBLIC.”

and then under that… “BOY BAND AUDITIONS TODAY.”

Now behind this sign outside the pub is a long queue of “boys” all standing there waiting patiently in line and enduring it all in good grace until me and my friend happen along. From here on we proceed to:
A) Hold on to a lamp post as we’re about to fall over.
B) Laughing hysterically.
C) Pointing at them.
D) Laughing some more.

I love the opportunities that London offers in allowing me to feel superior on a daily basis.

So I was walking through Soho over the weekend and saw some young kids who were about 11 at most and they walked past this stripper, she was really working it to get a client in to the peep show, stretching languorously and all sorts of interesting things were happening.
In addition to this she was practically naked, the guys eyes were popping out, mainly as she was almost popping out of the bikini top and the mini skirt she wore with no panties and in fact so were the kids eyes as they walked past them with the big fuck off grins on their faces. It was a classic Soho moment.

This just in.

I was walking through London today and a girl with a miniskirt walks down the road and she’s absolutely beautiful. I was walking behind her in the same direction…

Now here’s the deal this guy was walking in the opposite direction and his eyes were just fixed on this vision of loveliness, he turns his head to continue watching her as he walks by and he walks straight into a lampost. Me being a medium distance behind her I got to see all of this. I actually caught up with her asked her to stop walking for a moment, thanked her for one of the funniest moments in my life EVER and tried to carry on walking whilst holding my sides in pain due to the extreme laughter.

P.S. Yes after many many people asked me, the stripper at the door was very hot.

So after reading this

40 GOATS TO BUY CHELSEA
Former US president Bill Clinton has been offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter by a love-struck African government official.

I think Bill should hold out for maybe 60 goats and 40 cows. Bring the deal up to a nice even 100 live stock in total. I mean if he’s willing to go that far for the deal holding out for a little more on top surely couldn’t hurt.

Although to be brutally honest. I personally think she’s only worth 25 goats and 3 cows at most.

http://moon.google.com/

Now zoom all the way in…